Amber was one of a group of four friends I would always hang out with, a group of people I would consider to be some of my best friends. But Amber died in April of 2000 after being struck by a speeding drunk driver and left to die. Along with her, Amber's best friend Dahlia died as well. I didn't know Dahlia anywhere near as well, although I was starting to hang out with her a lot just before she died, going to karaoke with her every Tuesday night.
Nonetheless, I feel *equally* sad about Dahlia dying as I do Amber. My problem is, I'm worried that a lot of people don't understand that. I'm worried to say too much about that, because I'm worried that people will get angry, and feel like I don't have a right to be so sad about Dahlia when I wasn't as good friends with her as THEY were. I feel that some people are like, "Well, you didn't know her as well, so what's your problem?" or things like that. Some people may think that it's a drama-queen syndrome...who knows? I was crying so hard at the hospital when I found out that she wasn't going to live, moreso than her closer friends seemed to be. Was anyone thinking that my feelings were not real? Or exagerrated? I sincerely hope not. That was the first time in about ten years I had cried infront of anyone. Some people used to think I was weird that I would never cry. Why would I exaggerate it for then? What would I care for that?
I have a right to feel as sad as I want to. I have a right to care about someone as much I want, regardless of how long or how well I knew that person. I thought Dahlia was a very, very, VERY sweet person, and I liked her a LOT. I looked forward to seeing her every Tuesday at the karaoke bar, and I had fun talking to her. I liked her a lot more than a lot of other people I know, and I was starting to get to know her a lot better. I had even been looking forward to the summer to do things together. I really wanted to be good friends with her. I was even supposed to go over to her new apartment a few days before she died, but then I got the flu and couldn't go. I remember, I was like, "Oh, don't worry about it, I'll come some other time..." I kept thinking, we have all summer. I didn't expect her to.... well, die. It makes me so upset to this day that I didn't go.
Anyway, I REALLY liked Dahlia a lot, and it makes me ill that I'll never get to know her better...it also makes me ill if people don't understand my grief. I guess all I can say is, if you don't understand, then so be it. I feel sorry for you then, because you are obviously not very open-minded, and you are also selfish. What else can I say about someone who doesn't think I have a right to care so much about someone I knew so little?
Oh, and on a completely unrelated subject, regardless of the title, I am NOT a Smashing Pumpkins fan (ugh), but I felt that song title was aporopriate for this rant. =P
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